I’m not sure if it was this morning, last night, or the morning before (or even two nights ago), but I asked Neil if he felt like he was just existing. Because I do.
Back in the day, I was extremely insecure and Neil and I would get into… situations where we’d have an argument / issues and I’d end up all weepy.
(Not that I’d ever want to go back to that time of my life.)
The thing is, my life is really boring now, because of the amount of time I spend getting to / staying at / getting home from work. This is perhaps the psychological cost of living and working where the public transport network is shite and the country is big. I spend approximately 11 hours a day, five days a week, following the above routine. Add an hour for dinner and another one for exercise and then a shower, and suddenly it’s time to get ready for bed.
(My attempt to exercise frequently and regularly suffers.)
I’m a list maker. I scribble to-do lists on scrap pieces of paper, my notebook, or in e-mails to myself. I e-mail myself links to scripts and fonts and files I should download. Once in a while, I actually get to turn on my laptop at home and download my e-mail. Even more rarely, I get to download the things I’ve linked to.
(The size of my Thunderbird inbox breaches my comfort level due to several unacted-upon e-mails from me to me.)
(My backpack is full of pieces of recycled paper with notes to self.)
I just wonder what happened — when did I lose the ability to do stuff? I’ve been thinking of launching a new project for months. I’ve looked for a domain name, I’ve collected all the technical information I need (I hope) to get it running; all I need to do is the setup and code.
It was cheap to live in China and push a project along because Neil’s savings in £s went a long way. Doing the same here carries a much higher risk.
(To be completely honest with myself — and the Ingterbloogenvirons — I think I’m afraid I’ll be wasting my money and time.)
There is a dilemma. When I do have time, like this Easter weekend just gone, I could put my head down and code like mad, craft like mad. Stay indoors and work on tackling that to-do list. Or I could go on day trips to the Scottish borders and take advantage of the infrequently glorious weather. Or go out for long walks and talk with Neil about everything.
(The to-do list gets longer.)
(Sometimes it’s just more important to feel you’re alive than to get things done. Even if you feel guilty about it.)