In the months I have lived in Scotland, a change has come over me. Something I had certainly not anticipated.
I have now got a moderately farty bum.
Being Singaporean, I’ve generally had what resembles a cast-iron stomach. I don’t normally feel ill after food (unless I’ve consumed way too much of it), and the entire time I lived in China, I suffered an upset tummy maybe twice. Considering how often I heard others complaining about food poisoning, I was either extremely lucky, or my years of training (yes, training) in eating hawker food in Singapore has steeled me against the milder of bugs and bacteria.
And then I come here and my stomach rumbles and complains all the time (as distinct from when I’m hungry, which is now), and when it’s not making strange noises, I’m windy and the farts just keep tumbling out.
Hot and sexy, yet demure and well-behaved, my bum is.
I suspect (and it’s a bit of a wild one) that I may be ever-so-slightly lactose-intolerant. I’ve always drunk milk and eaten yoghurt, cheeses, and other dairy products with no problem, so I think it must be the increased frequency of cream sauces and cheeses I am ingesting as part of my meals that could be making all the difference.
From this morning, I’m trying to cut down on dairy* — I’ll continue to eat yoghurt in the morning and drink milk at night, but I’m going to do my best to avoid it at other meal or snack times (two lunches, one dinner, and an after-dinner snack — yes, I have second lunch, and no, I’m not a Hobbit).
It’s really hard to eat a salad without a lovely cream-based deli filler slathered all over it, and what’s a sandwich without cheese or mayo? I guess I’m going to have to go with:
- prawn salad or sandwiches in my secret, really difficult to make marinade (sesame oil and light soy sauce)
- artichoke salsa
- maybe a warm chicken breast and mushroom salad?
- peanut butter and jam sandwiches
- canned soup and melba toast with pâté
- ‘bruschetta’ using Ritz?
I normally bring my lunches four days a week and ‘reward’ myself for being frugal on the Friday. So I’m going to need more ideas than I’ve got now (I get tired of eating the same food very rapidly). The limitation is there is only a microwave and toaster in the office pantry. And also that I don’t cook, but you knew that.
Other things I won’t eat: I don’t like chillies or any type of capsicum. I’ll eat sardines and tuna, but only occasionally because I get sick of them fast. Liver and kidneys make me want to puke, unless they are in pâté. I never thought I’d get tired of potatoes, but I’m tired of potatoes.
Aside: when we were in Ikea and I got lunch (two lunches in one sitting), the girl serving me asked if I wanted “chips or potatoes”. If you don’t see why I would find that absolutely hilarious, we may not be able to be friends.
Anyway. Suggestions for easy dairy-free meals and snacks?
* If that doesn’t work, my next target is tomatoes.
