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Where you learn WAY more than you need to know about my intestinal complaints
In the months I have lived in Scotland, a change has come over me. Something I had certainly not anticipated.
I have now got a moderately farty bum.
Being Singaporean, I’ve generally had what resembles a cast-iron stomach. I don’t normally feel ill after food (unless I’ve consumed way too much of it), and the entire time I lived in China, I suffered an upset tummy maybe twice. Considering how often I heard others complaining about food poisoning, I was either extremely lucky, or my years of training (yes, training) in eating hawker food in Singapore has steeled me against the milder of bugs and bacteria.
And then I come here and my stomach rumbles and complains all the time (as distinct from when I’m hungry, which is now), and when it’s not making strange noises, I’m windy and the farts just keep tumbling out.
Hot and sexy, yet demure and well-behaved, my bum is.
I suspect (and it’s a bit of a wild one) that I may be ever-so-slightly lactose-intolerant. I’ve always drunk milk and eaten yoghurt, cheeses, and other dairy products with no problem, so I think it must be the increased frequency of cream sauces and cheeses I am ingesting as part of my meals that could be making all the difference.
From this morning, I’m trying to cut down on dairy* — I’ll continue to eat yoghurt in the morning and drink milk at night, but I’m going to do my best to avoid it at other meal or snack times (two lunches, one dinner, and an after-dinner snack — yes, I have second lunch, and no, I’m not a Hobbit).
It’s really hard to eat a salad without a lovely cream-based deli filler slathered all over it, and what’s a sandwich without cheese or mayo? I guess I’m going to have to go with:
- prawn salad or sandwiches in my secret, really difficult to make marinade (sesame oil and light soy sauce)
- artichoke salsa
- maybe a warm chicken breast and mushroom salad?
- peanut butter and jam sandwiches
- canned soup and melba toast with pâté
- ‘bruschetta’ using Ritz?
I normally bring my lunches four days a week and ‘reward’ myself for being frugal on the Friday. So I’m going to need more ideas than I’ve got now (I get tired of eating the same food very rapidly). The limitation is there is only a microwave and toaster in the office pantry. And also that I don’t cook, but you knew that.
Other things I won’t eat: I don’t like chillies or any type of capsicum. I’ll eat sardines and tuna, but only occasionally because I get sick of them fast. Liver and kidneys make me want to puke, unless they are in pâté. I never thought I’d get tired of potatoes, but I’m tired of potatoes.
Aside: when we were in Ikea and I got lunch (two lunches in one sitting), the girl serving me asked if I wanted “chips or potatoes”. If you don’t see why I would find that absolutely hilarious, we may not be able to be friends.
Anyway. Suggestions for easy dairy-free meals and snacks?
* If that doesn’t work, my next target is tomatoes.
The House in Xiamen is killing the environment
A: “I read a story that we saw briefly on the news about why those patio heaters are bad.”
N: “… they’re bad for the environment, right?!”
A: “Yeah, so it seems.”
N: “Y’know, if a teevee journalist stopped me on the street and asked if I thought patio heaters were releasing too much carbon, I would say Not really, this is worse — *parp*!”
(Not verbatim — it happened yesterday. Cannae remember it word for word.)
(The House uses a lot of patio heaters.)
Lighting your farts is not allowed on planes
Flatulent passenger grounds flight. No, Neil has not been on any planes recently.
Adam Sandler is an absolute GENIUS
Click is incisive social commentary.
Just because it’s Adam Sandler doesn’t mean it has to be stupid, right? It was really funny, sometimes juvenile (oh, that fart), but it was clever. I look around me and I see people trying to use their own universal remote all the time.
Want to be skinny but not bother with bothersome things like exercise and a sensible diet, the slow but most effective way to achieve and maintain a healthy weight? No need to avoid your favourite foods, just take this pill and you can watch the pounds melt away! You can even sit and watch television all night and you’ll lose weight.
Want to be white as a sheet? Don’t worry about high factor sun screen, just use this peel-off face mask and you can spend all day in the sun and still look fair.
I think our societies today are so wrapped up in quick results, instant gratification, that no one thinks about consequences any more. You choose to do something, and there will be a reaction. You are responsible for your actions. Maybe we don’t want to face what stuffing our faces with junk food means for our bodies, so we get on the latest diet pill or fad diet, and the problem gets swept under the proverbial carpet. Maybe screwing someone over in business will get you a quick profit today, but what happens next year, when you really need a favour?
Click is about being responsible for your choices. It’s a funny movie, no doubt, but there is a message. One day, you will have to face the consequences of your actions. Will we realise too late, when we’re at the end and really wish we could be given a second chance, or will we all do our best to soldier through things we find unpleasant, because we really only live once?
Look at me, I’m a preacher. Hehe.
You know your boyfriend’s a propellerhead when (#2)…
… he’s sitting right next to you and sends a Skype chat message to ask if you farted.
(No.)
*Parp*
And She who has never been interested in eating Spicy Food went forth and tucked into a meal where all but one dishes had Chilli liberally added found that Excessive Chilli makes her Tummy Sore and Bum Farty.
Top three ups and downs of Neil being away
Upsides
- I get to burn the candle at both ends without a pesky boyfriend reminding me to eat.
- I get to play any CD I want without being told I have no taste in music.
- The bedroom doesn’t smell of fart.
Downsides
- No nookie.
- No daily dawdling over dinner and hot chocolates.
- I can’t open that damn Bovril jar by myself.