Everyone, meet… aaaauuuggghhhh!

Most fearsome Darth Made-In-China,

Don’t kill me, first off. I need to tell your story.

You are the underrated Sith Lord who never gets any attention from your master, Emperor Palpatine (?). You, too, suffered mightily under the wrath of the Jedi, albeit the ones who were just learning. As all the attention (and movie merchandising) was heaped upon the other who shall not be named, you, poor Darth Made-In-China, were left with parts and prosthetics that have been cheaply mass produced under assembly line conditions. Your helmet is a cut-off plastic drink bottle covered in electrical tape, and your light sabre, a straw. Your protectively insulating body suit is (shock horror) a sock. It’s an injustice, through and through.

Unappreciated for your efforts at bringing more to the Dark Side, you are left with the thankless duties of menacing the assorted scum that litter in the galaxy far, far away (and a long, long time ago). Once in a while, you may cross the time-space barrier and spend some quality time with your sock brethren, but your terrifying facade instills only fear and terror to those who might be your friends.

You are good at what you do, oh Sith lord. Do not doubt your abilities, and you will, one day, rise to join your master while the other, overrated, Sith Lord scrabbles in the back cleaning up after your cape.

Love,
Mum

(I am the mother of a Sith Lord?)

• 29 Aug 2005

• Thinking