This may come as a surprise to my legions of loyal fans, but I’ve been hiding something from the Internets.

For over a decade, I’ve lived with the knowledge that I have a kidney condition known as minimal glomerulonephritis*. I’ve sought no help for this disease, I’ve spoken with no doctors since it was detected+. I have to live with the fact that hardly anyone with this illness will progress to renal failure#. Beating all odds, where the greatest majority (80%) of cases are detected prior to the age of six, and the average age of adult onset is 40, I was found to be suffering from this racist disease (‘Asians may be at increased risk’) at the age of 16.

I must protest that I did not receive an eight-week course of steroids to battle this illness that has not prevented me from doing absolutely anything over the intervening years. I can only imagine the incompetence of the medical staff who first advised that my lifestyle was not going to have to change in any way in order to cope.

Suffering indignities as only the truly elegant could under the circumstances, I allowed myself to be confined to the premises once every couple of years, in order to relieve my bladder into a cheap plastic bottle. Why, you ask, why is such a humiliation necessary? My dear friends and adoring fans, that was the only way they could determine if my ailment had improved or worsened. But like a trooper, I accepted that some things in life will not be able to live up to my high expectations.

Through nothing but my own diligence and strict dietary regimen, I can now claim to be free of the debilitation that has dogged me for more than ten years.

* Try saying that three times quickly after a couple of G&Ts.
+ Except for my mum.
# Also called minimal change glomerulonephritis or minimal-change disease, “Glomerular disease causing heavy proteinuria characterized by absence of obvious histologic glomerular changes on light microscopy.” That is, I have protein in my pee. I was assured that it would likely clear up on its own, as long as I was somewhat careful with my diet. My latest test results (via e-mail from Mum) tell me that it’s gone, wahey!