It’s a question of values

Today, I want to talk about toilets.

The standard toilet in Xiamen is a squatter (Crouch and Crap™), a porcelain bowl embedded in the floor where you squat over it and hope for the best. Fortunately for me, a born and bred Singaporean, I am used to both Crouch and Crap™s and Western toilets — many public facilities provide both. Unfortunately for other types of foreigners (yes, I’m talking about you dastardly Westerners), squatting on one’s haunches is not what one would call a ‘relaxed’ position.

Now, if you’ve spent any time in China or Singapore, you’ll know that a fashionable young man about town (I call them Ah Bengs) who’s waiting for mates will choose to squat on the sidewalk, planter, or a bench. This is apparently very relaxing for them. Makes my knees hurt, but I do have bad knees.

Many foreigners dislike Crouch and Crap™s. “Too dirty” and “I can’t squat” are the usual complaints. Proponents of the concept claim it’s more sanitary that Western toilets (your bum doesn’t touch anything, but watch out for splashback).

What a Crouch and Crap™ defender misses out on, in my humble opinion, is the ability to fully utilise the time spent, er, voiding one’s bowels. I’ve only seen a few seasoned crouchers take a newspaper to the loo, and that’s because they wipe their arses with it at the end. And as many of us are fully aware, the male Western toilet user is very likely to be seen toting a magazine or novel when they wish to ‘use the facilities’.

This is bad in two ways. One, they plan to be in there a long time; bad news if you’ve only one toilet. Two, after they’re done, it’s very likely you’ll not be able to use it for over an hour because the room needs to air.

One feature Western toilets sorely miss out on is a moveable desk, like at college. I develop some of my most creative ideas while sitting on the loo — it’s not like I have anything else to do while I’m there, the bodily functions tend to be pretty reflexive.

So I’d be a stayer if toilet desks became a standard. Are you a stayer or what I like to call ‘efficient’?

When you use the Crouch and Crap™, it’s poop and go. With some Crouch and Crap™s in China, it’s “Look, there’s no door! Better not suffer from performance anxiety!”

• 29 Oct 2004

• Thinking