I’ve spent the last two days getting very well-acquainted with a paper cutter.
This explains the relative silence on my internets site.
It’s a question of values
Today, I want to talk about toilets.
The standard toilet in Xiamen is a squatter (Crouch and Crap™), a porcelain bowl embedded in the floor where you squat over it and hope for the best. Fortunately for me, a born and bred Singaporean, I am used to both Crouch and Crap™s and Western toilets — many public facilities provide both. Unfortunately for other types of foreigners (yes, I’m talking about you dastardly Westerners), squatting on one’s haunches is not what one would call a ‘relaxed’ position.
Now, if you’ve spent any time in China or Singapore, you’ll know that a fashionable young man about town (I call them Ah Bengs) who’s waiting for mates will choose to squat on the sidewalk, planter, or a bench. This is apparently very relaxing for them. Makes my knees hurt, but I do have bad knees.
Many foreigners dislike Crouch and Crap™s. “Too dirty” and “I can’t squat” are the usual complaints. Proponents of the concept claim it’s more sanitary that Western toilets (your bum doesn’t touch anything, but watch out for splashback).
What a Crouch and Crap™ defender misses out on, in my humble opinion, is the ability to fully utilise the time spent, er, voiding one’s bowels. I’ve only seen a few seasoned crouchers take a newspaper to the loo, and that’s because they wipe their arses with it at the end. And as many of us are fully aware, the male Western toilet user is very likely to be seen toting a magazine or novel when they wish to ‘use the facilities’.
This is bad in two ways. One, they plan to be in there a long time; bad news if you’ve only one toilet. Two, after they’re done, it’s very likely you’ll not be able to use it for over an hour because the room needs to air.
One feature Western toilets sorely miss out on is a moveable desk, like at college. I develop some of my most creative ideas while sitting on the loo — it’s not like I have anything else to do while I’m there, the bodily functions tend to be pretty reflexive.
So I’d be a stayer if toilet desks became a standard. Are you a stayer or what I like to call ‘efficient’?
When you use the Crouch and Crap™, it’s poop and go. With some Crouch and Crap™s in China, it’s “Look, there’s no door! Better not suffer from performance anxiety!”
Junkie
“OhmyGod OhmyGod, they’re serving real breakfasts at McDonalds!”
“NO!!”
“Look!”
“Hotcakes! Muffins! I have to call [name deleted] right now. (Tap, tap, tap.) You will not believe what we just saw. McDonalds is serving real breakfasts in Xiamen! … Yeah, I’ll see you later. (Click.) He said he can’t believe I just called to tell him that.”
“Mmm. McDonalds breakfast.”
“I am SO THERE this Saturday. Who’s coming with me?”
“Me!”
“Me me me!”
“… Man, we’re such junk food junkies.”
This conversation happened less than 30 minutes ago, I shit you not. We are so deprived of trashy American culture the fact that McDonalds in Xiamen is finally serving breakfasts is like seeing God.
A Simple Life
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are going to film A Simple Life 3. I’ve never seen a single episode, but these rich girls really, really question the concept of Darwinism.
“It’s two girlfriends having fun and being silly which I think a lot of girls can relate to,” Richie said in an interview in a penthouse loft in Manhattan.
…
“I’m just over doing manual labor, we don’t want to get dirty any more,” she said.
Emphasis mine. And sigh. I’m not exactly sure how she, in her statements, has shown that regular people can relate to her. Unless those ‘lots of girls’ last names are Hilton.
Things must be getting desperate
In this Reuters report, George Bush has spent his time slamming John Kerry:
“My opponent has no plan, no vision, just a long list of complaints. But a Monday morning quarterback has never led any team to victory,” Bush said.
Um, John Kerry’s complaining about George Bush, and George Bush complains about John Kerry. It’s election season, it’s not only expected, it’s mandatory. Is he talking down to the populations of Iowa and Wisconsin, or are they really that gullible?
All look same
From the horse’s mouth: “To us Chinese people, foreigners really do all kind of look alike.”
Stopping socks in their tracks
Terry informs me that the US government has imposed a quota on socks imported from China. He says, “I will wave hi to Dave‘s relatives the next time I drive by the bargain store.”
It’s alive!!
Some useful basic tips for protecting your PC from evil, evil scriptkiddies and hackers.
You’d better not be reading this in Internet Explorer.