If food was family
6 August 2004

Shuizhuhuoyu: the serial killer

Shuizhuhuoyu will walk right up to you and bash you over the head with a club. It’s no Ted Bundy or John Wayne Gacy, who (usually) lured victims one at a time to their doom. No, think of Charles Whitman and Shuizhuhuoyu just about fits his profile. In your face, sudden, and gets lots of people in one attempt.

Neglected and stuck in institutions all its short life, Shuizhuhuoyu was left to its own devices. With no real skills and even fewer relationships, Shuizhuhuoyu feels abandoned and unfairly treated by the world at large, fostering unhealthy levels of resentment against other individuals.

Already borderline psychopathic, it decides to go out with a bang. Armed with dried chillis, chilli oil, and ma la (aka hua jiao, aka prickly ash), Shuizhuhuoyu plans its revenge on the world that has held it back from fulfilling its potential.

The result is a fish dish I cannot even bear to think about, let alone eat.

(Shui zhu huo yu is a Sichuan dish, where a fish — possibly alive — is boiled in a soup that appears to be made up of as many different types of chillis and chilli oils as possible. I’ve never tried it, and don’t intend to. One particular spice to be careful of is the forementioned ma la, as it numbs your lips.)

Shuizhuniurou: the copycat killer

The dark horse of the family. Not obviously dark like Shuizhuhuoyu, which is about as dark as you can get, but there is a distinct danger to a member who wishes to be like the elder (especially if that elder is a danger to society). Think of Edward Furlong’s younger brother in American History X and you have the general idea.

Its perception is that it can do as well or better than Shuizhuhuoyu. It spends all its time ensuring that we know this for a fact. Shuizhuniurou is especially dangerous, being different from its hero, but similar in its approach to affecting other people’s lives.

(Shui zhu niu rou is like shui zhu huo yu, but with beef. The only difference, besides the meat, I’m told, is that it is slightly less spicy.)

Gongbaojiding: the aunt with multiple personality disorder

The aunt we all whisper about, the crazy neighbour no one visits, Gongbaojiding is both of these and more. You never know what you’re going to get in an encounter with Gongbaojiding — it’s one way one day, another way the next, and different yet again the following day.

Raised with several different expectations all its life, Gongbaojiding learned to adapt and adjust its behaviour to deal with the conflicting demands. Over time, symptoms of multiple personality disorder surfaced as it struggled to cope with life.

Slight caution is necessary around Gongbaojiding. Just plunging in and dealing with it one way may be to your detriment.

(Also known as Kung Pao chicken. Don’t tell me you’ve never had Kung Pao chicken!)

Yaoguojiding: the jealous sibling

Mild-mannered, but festering with resentment for its more colourful, attention-grabbing sibling, Yaoguojiding is but a copy of Gongbaojiding, and not such an exciting one at that.

Its the same in substance and colour, it shares traits that marks it as part of the family. Yet it tends to be overlooked in favour of its more famous sibling. Yaoguojiding is one to watch, it may go postal one day.

(Yao guo ji ding is diced chicken cooked with cashew nuts.)

Qiezibao: the friend who stabs you in the back

Qiezibao was always the unassuming one. Quiet, it kept to itself and tried not to offend anyone. But inside, there was a boiling desire to be something special, to be bigger, better, more!

This is what it does to you. It leaves a good impression, makes you want to spend more time with it. The fact that its always been seen as good for you, you don’t realise until it’s much too late when it turns around and delivers a shock — what you thought was a healthy and well-adjusted relationship turns out to be one-sided, all about the take-take-take. Be warned — small doses are good for a reason.

(Qie zi bao is eggplant cooked in a claypot. It is very, very tasty, and also very, very oily. So it’s healthy, but…)

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