All in the family

The other night, I spent some time with a couple of people I’d never really hung out with before. My boyfriend’s started a new job, and there was an informal client dinner at one of Xiamen’s most popular Western restaurants.

I’d previously met C, who is the long-time girlfriend of the company’s number two. When the main course was being served, the boss’ wife, Q, arrived from a wedding she’d attended that evening. When Q was first sitting next to her husband, he got annoyed when she tried to chat with C across the table. He kind of waved her over to where C and I were. There were only three females at dinner — we were to sit together, it seemed.

It was all very friendly. Xiamen being a small city for expatriates, we were all mixing in very similar circles, but this was the first time I’d spent an evening with Q and C. We talked about Q’s kids, C’s work, usual conversation topics, I suppose. I was also grilled lightly on what I do, what I’d like to do, how long I’d been in Xiamen, and so on. Fairly typical stuff.

Here’s one thing about Xiamen: the expatriate community is very small. Everyone seems to know everyone, or knows someone who does. Daily life, naturally, involves mixing with all sorts, mostly Chinese, of course. At the end of the week, many flock to expatriate hangouts for what has been termed a ’sanity check’. See, Caucasians remain a curiosity — people stare, people talk about them, Caucasians are made to feel very different in every way. Whether this is taken in a good or bad way depends on the individual, but if the expatriate is here on their own, it becomes very easy to start to feel ’special’, and regularly meeting up with other expatriates, perhaps, delivers that needed dose of reality that no one is more special than anyone else.

(Personal note: I don’t get made to feel special, since I’m ethnic Chinese. I do get made to feel inadequate for not being foreign enough — no blonde hair and light eyes — nor Chinese enough.)

Naturally, with all groups, cliques within the community have formed. One of these cliques appears to be the foreign employees of [company name] — where my boyfriend works. They hang out, I think, mainly because the boss is very gregarious and enjoys dining with and throwing parties for his partners and staff.

But back to the story. This was also the evening of a big birthday party, two friends were throwing one at Havana, another restaurant and bar. All dressed up with somewhere to go, the entire group headed there after a long and indulgent meal.

Upon our arrival and the requisite Hello’s, hugs, air kisses, presents presented, we found ourselves clutching drinks. I spent pockets of time chatting with C. It turns out we’re about the same age, we’re both overseas Chinese women, now living in our ‘ancestral home’. Both our boyfriends work in the same company and spend lots of time together.

C professed a close friendship with Q. She said it was great to meet people like Q, she’s seen a lot, especially the great changes in Xiamen over the last several years. Q has three children, is a lovely lady, and is the quinessential boss’ wife - charming, hospitable, generous, eloquent. I felt as though I was being taken under older and wiser wings (both Q and C are now metaphorical birds), being introduced to the right people and shown the ropes. It was like being inducted into a Family.

The company is run by Italians and Americans of Italian extraction. Cue the theme music from The Sopranos.

• 25 Jun 2004

• Thinking