Stoking the brass monkey

monkeyBen, Neil and I are on his new deck. Ben has fed us a shot of tequila and a margarita. Bad Ben. Ben and Neil are talking about something, which ends with Neil saying something about ‘spanking the chicken’.

“No, no,” say I. “It’s ‘spanking the monkey’ and ‘choking the chicken’.”

I am also aware of the term ‘visiting Mrs Palmer and her five daughters’. But I am at a loss to think of any more. Any other suggestions would be most appreciated, and will contribute to the fight against terrorism.

9 Comments

  • bailz says:

    3 man show
    A big date with Rosy Palms
    A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
    Abusing the wicked stick
    Accosting the Oscar Meyer
    Addressing MrPalmer
    Adjusting the antenna
    Adjusting your set
    Aiding and abetting a known felon
    Answer the bone-a-phone
    Applying the hand brake
    Appropriate the means
    Arguing with Henry Longfellow
    Arm aerobics
    Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
    Arm-wrestling the purple-headed stormtrooper
    Asking for a second opinion (your second head)
    Assault on a friendly weapon
    Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
    Attending to the throb knob needs
    Auditioning the hand puppet
    Backstroke roulette
    Badgering the witness
    Baiting your hook
    Ball off
    Ball slappin’ fun
    Bangin’ your bacon
    Banging one out
    Banging the Cyclops
    Barking up the wrong tree
    Bash the bishop
    Bash the candle
    Bashing the Bishop
    Bashing the pear
    Basting the ham
    Batting practice
    Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger
    Battling the purple-helmet warrior
    Be your own best friend
    Beat off
    Beat Pete
    Beat the Bishop
    Beat the Bologna
    Beat the Butter
    Beat the Dummy
    Beat the Meat
    Beat the Stick
    Beat up your date
    Beat your hog
    Beat your meat like it owes you money
    Beatin’ Bobby
    Beating Bob and the twins
    Beating Jack
    Beating off
    Beating the bait
    Beating the balloon
    Beating the balogna
    Beating the beagle
    Beating the bed flute
    Beating the bishop
    Beating the dummy
    Beating the fuck out of your best friend
    Beating the goat
    Beating the old man
    Beating the pud
    Beating the shit out of your incapacitated midget
    Beating the snake
    Beating the snotty end of my fuck stick
    Beating the stick
    Beating your meat
    Beef tips stroking off
    Beef-stroke-it-off
    Being a virtuoso of the skin flute
    Being rough with the sex stick
    Being your own best friend
    Belaboring the obvious
    Belt your hog
    Bequeath your genes
    Beta testing your hardware
    Biffing off
    Bitch-Slapping the Dark Knight
    Blanket drill, The
    Bleed the lizard
    Bleed the weed
    Blessing the alter boy
    Bloating the vein
    Blow Your load
    Blow your own horn
    Bludgeon the beefsteak
    Blueball baseball
    Blue-ball buster
    Bob the hog
    Bombing the German helmut
    Bonging your shlong
    Booting up the hard drive
    Bop the boa
    Bop the bonzo
    Bop the hog
    Bopping Richard
    Bopping the bishop
    Bopping the Bonzo
    Bouncing the bunny
    Box the Jesuit
    Box with Richard
    Boxin the Ballsack
    Boxin’ the Bozak
    Boxing Oscar
    Boxing Oscar in the closet
    Boxing the bald champ
    Boxing the clown
    Boxing the Jesuit
    Boxing the Jesuit and getting cockroaches
    Boxing the one-eyed clown
    Boxing the trouser mouse
    Boxing with Richard
    Break one off
    Burping private ryan
    Breaking the fish tank
    Bringing MrWeasel back from the dead
    Brushing up on your typing skills
    Buck the bone
    Buckin’ it
    Buff the banana
    Buff the mushroom
    Buff the wood
    Buffin’ the bishop
    Buffing my wand
    Buffing the rifle
    Buffing your nuts
    Bugger your hand
    Buggering your hand
    Building upper-body strength
    Bunning your hot dog
    Burning off a few calories
    Burp the baby
    Burp the baldman
    Burp the worm
    Bust a nut
    Butter the corn
    Cajun clown fucking
    Calling all cum
    Calling down for more mayo
    Calling genie
    Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
    Calling in the secret service
    Caning the vandal
    Caping the crusader
    Capturing the bishop
    Carrying weight
    Cast off
    Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile
    Chafing the weasel
    Changing your oil
    Charge the rod
    Charging the Inertial Dampeners
    Charging up the main gun
    Charm the cobra
    Charm the serpent/snake
    Charming the cobra
    Charming the one-eyed trouser snake
    Cheap date
    Cheating on your other hand
    Check for testicular cancer
    Checking for testicular cancer
    Checking the plumbing
    Cheese off
    Chicken milking
    Chilling the dill
    Chipping wood
    Choke Charlie ’till he chunders
    Choke Kojak
    Choke the bishop
    Choke the chicken
    Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come
    Choking Charlie ’till he throws up
    Choking the bald guy until he pukes
    Choking the chicken
    Choking the hog
    Choking the pirate
    Choking up on the bat
    Choking your chicken
    Choking yourself into emission
    Chong your schlong
    Chopping down
    Chucking the yogurt
    Churning butter
    Civil War
    Clamp the pipe
    Clean your pipes
    Clean Your Rifle
    Cleaning out the rope
    Cleaning out your account
    Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops
    Clear the snorkel
    Climb the tree
    Climbing Mount Baldy
    Climbing Mt. Barbell (for guys with pierced dicks)
    Climbing the corporate ladder
    Clobbering the bad guy
    Clobbering the Kleenex
    Closet Frisbee
    Closing the deal
    Clubbing Eddy
    Clubbing the baby seal
    Clubbing the clam
    Clubbing the dummy
    Coating Prince William Sound with love oil
    Coax the cajones
    Cocking some soup
    Cocking the rifle
    Collecting a specimen
    Combing the hair on your bald pig Sally
    Combing your hair
    Coming to grips with the situation
    Coming to grips with yourself
    Committing mass spermicide
    Communicating with Red Leader One
    Communing with nature
    Conjuring Up A Rain Slicker
    Conking the Cardinal
    Consulting with your silent partner
    Converse with Harry Palm
    Cooking the cream of cock
    Cooking with Wong
    Corral your tadpole
    Corralling the tadpoles
    Cough your filthy yogurt
    Crab tease
    Crack off a batch
    Cracking off
    Cracking the bat
    Cracking the fat
    Crank the love pump
    Crank the Shank
    Crank yanking
    Cranking
    Cranking for cum
    Cranking one off
    Cranking the monkey
    Cranking the shank
    Creaming the banana
    Crimp the wire
    Cross-Examing the Witness
    Crown the king
    Crushing pop cans in the dark
    Cuddle the kielbasa
    Cuff the carrot
    Cuff the governor
    Cuffing the dummy
    Cuffing the puppy
    Culture the American Blood Sausage
    Custer’s Last Stand
    Daisy-chaining
    Dancing in the dragon’s fiery breath
    Dancing round the maypole
    Dancing with Johnnie One-Eye
    Dancing with the one-eyed sailor
    Date Miss Michigan
    Date Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters
    Date Palmala Handerson
    Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters
    Dating Mother Palm and her five daughters
    Debating the Albino Newt
    Debugging the hard drive
    Decongesting the weasel
    Defrosting the fridge
    Detoxifying the puppy
    Devil’s handshake
    Dick whacking
    Diddle
    Diddle whacking
    Diddle yourself
    Diddling the dinky
    Digging for change
    Digital penile oscillation
    Digitally oscillating one’s penis
    Dilly with the willy
    Dinging the dong
    Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
    Discipline your soldier
    Disciplining the primate
    Discovering your own potential
    Discussing Uganda
    Dishonorable discharge
    Disobey the Pope
    Disseminating
    Distributing free literature
    Do handiwork
    Do it your way
    Do the Dew
    Do the janitor thing
    Do the white knuckler
    Dogger Bank
    Doin’ a loner with your boner
    Doin’ extra credit
    Doin’ the Hand Jive
    Doin’ the solitary rhumba
    Doing a hand job
    Doing an impression of Goofy
    Doing battle with the Purple-Helmeted Warrior of Love
    Doing it your way
    Doing the five-knuckle shuffle
    Doing the hand jive
    Doing the hand-cooter
    Doing the janitor thing
    Doing the knuckle shuffle on the ol’ piss pump
    Doing the plotkin
    Doing the pork sword jiggle
    Doing the sin of Onan
    Doing the Skin Limbo
    Doing the White Knuckler
    Doing your homework
    Doing your own thing
    Dong flogging
    Donkey Spank
    Doodle your noodle
    Downing at the club (for members only)
    Downing the pitcher
    Downloading from your own website
    Dra en handtralla
    Drain Charle’s Dickens
    Drain the dragon
    Drain the monster
    Drain the vein
    Draining the dragon
    Draining the main vein
    Draining the monster
    Draining the one-eyed monster
    Draining the poisons from the building
    Draining the vats
    Drip the pickle
    Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust
    Driving the skin bus
    Drizzle the squid
    Drop off a load
    Droppin’ a wad of hot wax
    Dropping a line
    Dropping stomach pancakes
    Dropping the kids off at the pool
    Drubbing the dolphin
    Dry humping the ottoman
    Dry-Firing the Turtle
    Dry-firing your musket
    Duking the Bishop
    Dundering the devil-dolphin
    Dunking the dolphin
    Dusting the old trophy
    Eating grapes with the one-armed man
    Eberting Siskel
    Educating Peter
    Electing the President
    Empty the cannon
    Emptying your sex pistol
    Encapsulate your probe
    Engage in safe sex
    Erupting Vesuvius
    Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
    Evacuating Tatooine
    Evacuating the Bomb Squad
    Evicting the testicular squatters
    Excercise your rights
    Exercise one’s right
    Exercising your right to privacy
    Express yourself
    Extracting some crack spackle
    Facha la manuela
    Falling in love with your right hand
    Fapping
    Fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love
    Faxing Jimmy Dean
    Faxing the Pope
    Feed the ducks
    Feed the fist
    Feeding bologna to the Smurfs
    Feeding the chooks
    Feeling your way around
    Fencing with the pork sword
    Fertilizing My Comforter
    Fetch the bagel dog
    Fetching milk
    Fiddle the flesh flute
    Fidget with your digit
    Fight the Champ
    Fight your turkey
    Filling Charlie’s magic sock
    Finding yourself
    Fire the hand cannon
    Fire the Surgeon General
    Fire the wobbly warhead
    Firing off a round
    Firing the flesh musket
    Firing the love rifle
    Firing the pound gun
    Firing the presidential staff
    Firing the Surgeon General
    Firm your worm
    Fishing for the two-toned trouser trout
    Fishing for zipper trout
    Fishing with dynamite
    Fist Fuck
    Fist kebabing
    Fist of fury
    Fist your mister
    Fist Your Monster
    Five knuckle olympics
    Five knuckle shuffle
    Five on one
    Five-Digit Shuffle
    Five-finger discount
    Five-finger solo
    Five-knuckle chuckle
    Five-knuckle-shuffle on the old piss pump
    Fixing the Hubble
    Fixing the toilet
    Flail the whale
    Flame out on engine #3
    Flanking the Romans
    Flaying the Emperor
    Flick on over the thumb
    Flicking the bic
    Fling your phallus
    Flipping the Bishop
    Flipping your omelet
    Flog the bishop
    Flog the Dog
    Flog the dolphin
    Flog the dong
    Flog the log
    Flog the mule
    Flog yourself
    Flogging the Bishop
    Flogging the dong
    Flogging the egg man
    Flogging the frog
    Flogging the General
    Flogging your dumber brother
    Flogging your stob
    Flong your dong
    Fluffing the pillow
    Flute solo
    Fly fishing
    Flying a kite
    Following my bliss
    Fondle the Fig
    Fondle your flagpole
    Fondling the ferret
    Fondling the fig
    Fondling the fisherman
    Fooling with your tool
    Forcing Lex Luthor To Surrender
    Foreplay with Fistina
    Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in ‘Nam)
    Fragging the Sarge
    Free Willy
    Freeing the hostages
    Freeing your dick fish into the gene pool
    Friction therapy
    Frig yourself
    Frigging the love muscle
    Friggit
    Frost the pastries
    Frosting your maple bar
    Frugeling the gourmet
    Frying up the corndog
    Fuck Mary Fist
    Fucking a pillow
    Fucking Mrs. Fist, the five-fingered widow
    Fun with friction
    Gallop the Antelope
    Gallop the old lizard
    Ganging the plank
    Ganking
    Gardening with the golden trowel
    Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion
    Get a hold of yourself
    Get the German soldier marching
    Get to know yourself
    Get your nuts off
    Get your pole varnished
    Gettin’ jizzy with it
    Getting a date with Slick Mittens
    Getting a grip on things
    Getting a load off my mind
    Getting a milk mustache
    Getting a stiffy
    Getting busy
    Getting chafed
    Getting in touch with your manhood
    Getting in touch with yourself
    Getting My Boys Ready For the Playoffs
    Getting off
    Getting tennis elbow
    Getting the dirty water off your chest
    Getting the German soldier marching
    Getting the glue stick
    Getting to know Miss Michigan
    Getting to know yourself
    Getting your caps peeled
    Getting your exercise
    Getting’ your oil checked
    Getting your palm read by Mister Softee
    Getting your palm red
    Getting your pole varnished
    Gherkin jerkin’
    Give it a tug
    Give your low five
    Givin’ the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter noogie
    Giving it a tug
    Giving Ms. Palm and and her five sisters a ride on the meat train
    Giving oneself a “low-five”
    Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money
    Giving the John Hancock
    Giving the pink Mustang a lube job
    Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine
    Giving the seamen shore leave
    Giving your employee a raise
    Giving yourself a dishonorable discharge
    Giving yourself a hand
    Giving yourself a happy ending
    Giving yourself a helping hand
    Giving yourself a low five
    Glazing the donut
    Gluing the lady’s eye’s shut
    Go a couple of rounds with ol’ Josh
    Go on a date with Fisty Palmer
    Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela
    Go the blow
    Going a couple of rounds with ol’ Josh
    Going blind
    Going for the gold
    Going into battle with the purple-helmeted warrior
    Going on a date with Handrea and Palmela
    Going on a date with Rosey Palm and the five daughters
    Going on Peewee’s little adventure
    Going steady with my bouncing Betty
    Going the blow
    Going To An Open-Mic
    Going to the basement
    Goose the gherkin
    Grappling the gorilla
    Greasin’ up my love monkey
    Greasing the axle
    Greasing the flagpole
    Greasing the monkey
    Greasing the pipe
    Greasing your bone
    Grip your dip
    Gripping the pencil
    Grooming your junior
    Hacerse la manuela
    Hacerse la paja
    Hack off
    Hacking the hog
    Ham shank
    Han Solo
    Hand crank
    Hand dancing
    Hand jive
    Hand job
    Hand Shandy
    Hand Solo
    Hand to gland combat
    Hand to hand combat with the purple helmeted warrior
    Hand work
    Handle yourself
    Handling heavy equipment
    Handling the hound
    Hands-on training
    Hand-starting the one-eyed yogurt thrower
    Hand-to-gland combat
    Handy work
    Hanging out with Peter Tork
    Hanging the old man
    Hard labor
    Harping on Happy Harry Hard-on
    Hatchin’ a batch
    Have it off
    Have It Off
    Have one off the wrist
    Having a ball
    Having a Barclays Bank
    Having a bat
    Having a chuff
    Having a conversation with the one-eyed trouser snake
    Having a date with Fisty Palmer
    Having a date with Mrs. Thumb and her 4 daughters
    Having a date with Rosie Palm and her five sisters
    Having a ham shank
    Having a J. Arthur (British special, after J. Arthur Rank, it’s rhyming slang)
    Having a one-night-stand with yourself
    Having a play date with your little friend
    Having a pull
    Having a puppet show in your pants
    Having a Roy (Australian)
    Having a Sherman (British)
    Having a staff meeting
    Having a tommy tank
    Having a tug
    Having a tug-of-war with the cyclops
    Having a whack attack
    Having an arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
    Having dinner
    Having group sex with five friends
    Having it off
    Having one off the wrist
    Having sex with someone you love
    Heating up the hot dog
    Heaving the heathen handhold
    Helping Mr. Happy
    Helping put Mr. Kleenex’s kids through college
    Helping the python shed its skin
    Herkin the Gherkin
    Hit on Rosy Palm
    Hit the ham
    Hitchhike to heaven
    Hitchhiking under the Big Top
    Hitching to heaven
    Hittin’ the wood
    Hitting the ham
    Hitting the sack
    Hitting the speedbump
    Hitting too close to home
    Hoisting the flag
    Hoisting your own petard
    Hold the bishop
    Hold the bold
    Hold the mayo
    Hold the sausage hostage
    Holding all the cards
    Holding my own
    Holding your sausage hostage
    Hone the cone
    Hone your bone
    Honing the cone
    Honing your bone
    Honk your horn
    Honking the bobo
    Hosing down the driveway
    Hotdog-a-rama
    Hotfooting it to the nearest exit
    Huffing on the hoagie
    Hug the hog
    Hugging the hog
    Hump the horn
    Hump your fist
    Hump your hose
    Humpin’ air
    Humping your fist
    Humping your hose
    Huskin’ corn
    Ignite the Lightsaber
    In the hand
    Infiltrate your crabs
    Innoculate the newborn
    Interrogating the witness
    Introducing the Master of Ceremonies
    Investing in pork bellies
    Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell
    Irking the dude
    Ironing some wrinkles
    Ironing some wrinkles
    J. Arthur Rank (British rhyming slang – wank)
    Jack hammer
    Jack hammering
    Jack off
    Jack the corn
    Jack the joystick
    Jack the sack
    Jack your Jizz
    Jack your monkey
    Jack yourself
    Jackhammer
    Jackin’
    Jackin’ the Beanstalk
    Jacking off
    Jacking up the hot rod
    Jack’n the beanstalk
    Jag off
    Jalarle el pescuezo al ganso
    Jam the joystick
    Jammin’ your jimmy
    Jazz yourself
    Jazzing yourself
    Jelly roll
    Jenny Mccarthy Jaunt
    Jerk Jamby
    Jerk Off
    Jerk the gherkin
    Jerk the Johnson
    Jerk the Turk
    Jerk your rope
    Jerkin’ the gherkin
    Jerkin’ the jerky
    Jerkin’ the joystick
    Jerkin’ the noodle
    Jerkin’ the wheel
    Jerkin’ your beef
    Jerking Jamby
    Jerking off
    Jerking the Johnson
    Jerking the turkey
    Jerking yanking daisy-chaining
    Jibbin’
    Jiggle the jewelry
    Jiggling the dice
    Jiggling your Johnson
    Jimmying your Joey
    Jizzlobbing
    Jogging the lizard
    Joining the Navy
    Joshing it
    Jostlin’ the Elders
    Jostling your Elder
    Juggling the javelin
    Juice the Moose
    Juice your fruit
    Juicing the Banana
    Juicing the jizz monster
    Juicing the mongoose
    Jumping the jock
    Jumping to Delight Speed
    Just combing my hair
    Just jerkin’ it
    Keep the census down
    Keeping the Optometrists in business
    Kick one out
    Kicking seamen
    Kicking your roommate out for five to ten minutes to “call your parents”
    Kill the Pope
    Killing it
    Killing the Beast
    Killing the bird on punches
    Kneading my knockwurst
    Kneeding the bread
    Knock on wood
    Knock the top off
    Knockin’ over the weeble
    Knuckle nobbing
    Knuckle shuffle
    Knuckle shuffle on the old piss pump
    Knuckling the bone
    Lap-based web browsingrowsing
    Lash the length
    Launching a Jism Probe into the Tissue Nebula
    Launching My spawn
    Launching the hand shuttle
    Launching the morning missile
    Launching the rocket
    Launching the Tadpoles
    Laying the smack down on yourself
    Leakin’ the main drain
    Left to your own devices
    Lehavi Bayad
    Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster
    Letting the cat out of the bag
    Lightening the load
    Lighting the candle
    Lighting the lava lamp
    Lighting Up the Tote Board
    Lightsaber practice with Captain Solo
    Liquidating the inventory
    Little pinky hit the slinky
    Living by the fat of the hand
    Living it up
    Loading from CMOS
    Loading the cannon
    Locking the bathroom door
    Locking your roommate out so you can call your parents
    Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne
    Looking for ticks
    Lope the mule
    Lope the pork sword
    Loping your mule
    Love the Muppet
    Love’s labors lost
    Loving the lizard
    Loving the muppet
    Lube the cord
    Lubing the tube
    Lubricating the love monkey
    Lynching the one-eyed monster
    Make a foreskin cone
    Make instant pudding
    Make like Hans Solo and stroke your wookie
    Make one-eye cry
    Make silly with the willy
    Make the bald man puke
    Makin’ gravy for the biscuit
    Makin’ moonshine
    Making a cash withdrawal
    Making a fist sandwich
    Making a foreskin cone
    Making a knuckle hot dog
    Making a six-fist
    Making chowder with sailor Ned
    Making free hand lotion
    Making friends with Big Ed
    Making instant pudding
    Making it up as you go along
    Making magic with leftovers
    Making nut butter
    Making oyster soup
    Making pancakes on your stomach
    Making Septic Tank Babies
    Making soup
    Making soup for one
    Making special sauce with frank and beans
    Making the bald guy puke
    Making the bald man cry
    Making the bread rise
    Making the Cyclops cry
    Making the cyclops do chin-ups ’til he throws up
    Making the Kessel Run
    Making the llama spit
    Making the piggy squeal
    Making the scene with the magazine
    Making the world safe for democracy
    Making vanilla jism shakes
    Making wall-paper paste
    Making with the tadpoles
    Making yogurt
    Mangle the midget
    Manhandling the manhood
    Manhandling your man-handle
    Manipulate the mango
    Manipulating My Machismo
    Manistrupation
    Mannin’ the Cannon
    Manning the cockpit
    Manual exercise
    Manual labor
    Manual override
    Manual pollution
    Manually assisted wet dream
    Manually increasing the surface temperature of the ship’s primary cannon by repeated linear manipulation
    Manually targeting the Rebel Base
    Masonic secret self handshake
    Massage the fireman’s neck
    Massage the muscle
    Massage the one-eyed monk
    Massage the purple-headed warrior
    Massaging Mr. Ho-Ho
    Massaging the mink
    Master Bacon, meet Rosie Hancock
    Maximize your potency
    Measuring for condoms
    Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
    Medical wankorama
    Medieval folk dancing
    Meet MrsPalmer and her five daughters
    Meet your right-hand man
    Meeting Mary Palm and her five sisters
    Meeting Rosie Hancock
    Meeting with Palmala Handerson
    Meeting your kids
    Menage a moi
    Messin’ with Moby
    Milk the lizard
    Milk the maggot
    Milk the member
    Milk the moose
    Milk the self
    Milking one’s self
    Milking the bull
    Milking the cow
    Milking the lizard
    Milking the monkey
    Milking the moose
    Milking the mule
    Milking the muscle
    Milking the weasel
    Milking your wood
    Milkywaying
    Minding my own business
    Mix up a batch
    Modifying My .WAD
    Moisturizing
    Moisturizing your hands with your beauty bar
    Molding A Crucifix
    Molding hot plastic
    Molesting the mole
    Mount a corporal and a four
    Much goo about nothing
    Muppeting
    Murder the Bishop
    Muscling up
    Mustard on the burger
    My sex life!
    Nerk your throbber
    Neverland Ranch puppet show
    Null the void
    Oil the glove
    Oiling the baseball bat
    Oiling the glove
    Oiling the mighty dick hinge
    Oiling the pogo stick
    Onanism
    Onan’s olympics
    One gun salute
    One hand clapping
    One handed humpty hump love pump, The
    One handed rodeo, The
    One handed shim sham
    One man band
    One man show
    One man tug-o-war
    One man wrestling
    One man’s game
    One off the wrist
    One stop shopping
    One-armed skiing
    One-eye target practice
    One-hand jam
    One-handed workout
    One-legged race, The
    One-man orgy
    One-man ring toss
    One-man show
    One-man tug-o-war
    Opening the flood gates
    Opening up a bottle of Squirt
    Organ solo
    Oscillating the Oscar Meyer
    Pack your palm
    Packaging the ol’ sausage
    Packing your palm
    Paddling the pickle
    Paint the ceiling
    Paint the CeilingPassing math
    Paint the pickle
    Paint the walls
    Painting the flag pole
    Painting the picket fence
    Painting your pants
    Palm the calm
    Palming the calm
    Pam Anderson Polka
    Pasting pages
    Pat the Robertson
    Paying at the turnpike
    Pearl jamming
    Pedal and crank
    Pee Wee pleaser
    Peeing children
    Peel the banana
    Peel the carrot
    Peeling some chilis
    Peeling the banana
    Peeling the carrot
    Perform diagnostics on your man tool
    Performing A Jid Exorcism
    Performing a self-test
    Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
    Performing the Jedi Hand Trick
    Perling the oyster
    Perm your poodle
    Pet the lizard
    Peter beater
    Petting the dog
    Petting the lizard
    Petting the puppy
    Petting the python
    Petting the silk worm
    Petting the snake
    Petting your animal
    Petting your dog
    Pipping the pumpkin
    Pissing Off the Pope
    Pitch a knuckle ball
    Plastique-ing the egg wagon
    Play a little five-on-one
    Play a one-stringed guitar
    Play in a one-man show
    Play peek-a-boo
    Play pocket pinball
    Play pocket pool
    Play tag with the pink torpedo
    Play the organ
    Play the piss pipe
    Play the pisser
    Play the skin flute
    Play the stand-up organ
    Play tug-o-war with Cyclops
    Play Uno
    Play with your Willy Wanker
    Play with yourself
    Playin’ the bone-a-thon
    Playin’ with hardballs
    Playing a solo on your meat whistle
    Playing Billy Squier on the skin flute
    Playing five card draw with a handful of jacks
    Playing five card stud
    Playing in a one-man show
    Playing it safe
    Playing miniature golf
    Playing Nintendo
    Playing paintball with white paint
    Playing peekaboo
    Playing peekaboo with Darth Vader
    Playing Peek-A-Boo with Mr. Johnson
    Playing ping pong with your ding dong
    Playing pocket pinball
    Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson
    Playing pocket pool
    Playing soapy Peter
    Playing tag with the pink torpedo
    Playing the crotch trombone
    Playing the fiddle
    Playing the flesh flute
    Playing the flesh trombone
    Playing the hairy banjo
    Playing the male organ
    Playing the man-flute
    Playing the one-handed air guitar
    Playing the one-stringed melody
    Playing the organ
    Playing the pink oboe
    Playing the piss pipe
    Playing the pisser
    Playing the single-string air guitar
    Playing the skin flute
    Playing the solo symphony
    Playing the stand-up organ
    Playing tug-o-war with the cyclops
    Playing tug-o-war with the staked vampire ’til he flames up
    Playing Uno
    Playing Whack-A-Mole on the Professional Circuit
    Playing with Dick
    Playing with my little brother Peter
    Playing with Susi Palmer and her five friends
    Playing with the noodle
    Playing with the pink Power Ranger
    Playing with the pogo stick
    Playing with the snake
    Playing with the spitting llama
    Playing with Yoosef
    Playing with your 6th finger
    Playing with your big Alien
    Playing with your bird
    Playing with your noodle
    Playing with your turtle (for uncircumcised guys?)
    Playing Yahtzee
    Playing your instrument
    Pleasure pumping
    Pluckin’ your chicken
    Plugging in the toaster
    Plunk your twanger
    Poaching the salmon
    Pocket billiards
    Pocket pinball
    Pocket pool
    Pocket the rocket
    Poking palm
    Pole vaulting
    Polish Percy in your palm
    Polish the bayonet
    Polish the bishop
    Polish the chrome dome
    Polish the family jewels
    Polish the knob
    Polish the log
    Polish the Oscar
    Polish the pole
    Polish the rocket
    Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter
    Polish the shooter
    Polish the sword
    Polish the Viper
    Polish Vader’s Helmet
    Polish your antlers
    Polish your bayonet
    Polish your horn
    Polish your piece
    Polishing Charlie Brown
    Polishing Percy
    Polishing Percy in your palm
    Polishing the banister
    Polishing the bayonet
    Polishing the beak
    Polishing the chrome dome
    Polishing the family jewels
    Polishing the fire pole
    Polishing the helmet
    Polishing the hot rod
    Polishing the knob
    Polishing the Lighthouse
    Polishing the pink Mustang
    Polishing the Pope
    Polishing the purple people pleaser
    Polishing the rocket
    Polishing the rocking horse
    Polishing the rod
    Polishing the sword
    Polishing your bayonet
    Polishing your helmet
    Polishing your piece
    Popping a nut
    Popping the blister
    Popping the bone
    Popping the cork
    Popping the porpoise
    Popping the purple pimple
    Popping the zit
    Popping your top
    Portuguese Pump
    Pound off
    Pound the bald-headed moose
    Pound the bobo
    Pound the pelican
    Pound the pud
    Pound the pudding
    Pound your flounder
    Pound your piss pump
    Pound your pomegranate
    Pounding off
    Pounding the bald-headed moose
    Pounding the pud
    Pounding your flounder
    Pounding your piss pump
    Pouring off the potatoes
    Power edging the lawn
    Powersanding the Porch
    Pow-wow with the one-eyed Redskin
    Practice the Heimlich Maneuver
    Practice your Kung-Fu Grip
    Practicing a water landing
    Practicing For Sweeps Week
    Practicing for the big game
    Praising God
    Preparing the carrot
    Prime the pump
    Prime the womb cannon
    Private arm exercise
    Prod the peepee
    Promoting carpal-tunnel syndrome
    Pud wrestling
    Puddin’
    Pudwhacking
    Puff the one-eyed dragon
    Pull off
    Pull one out
    Pull rank
    Pull the carrot
    Pull the ducks neck
    Pull the goalie
    Pull the pope
    Pull the pud
    Pull the pudding
    Pull the root
    Pull your own leg
    Pull your prick
    Pull your taffy
    Pull yourself off
    Pullin’ a few rounds
    Pulling a solo session
    Pulling on Peter
    Pulling rank
    Pulling the blue-veined custard chucker
    Pulling the blue-veined junket pumper
    Pulling the bologna pony
    Pulling the carrot
    Pulling the Colonel Sanders Heimleich Manuever
    Pulling the cord
    Pulling the goalie
    Pulling the handbrake
    Pulling the piss pump
    Pulling the pope
    Pulling the pork stick
    Pulling the pud
    Pulling the root
    Pulling the rope
    Pulling the single serving soup dispenser
    Pulling the String on His AssPuppet
    Pulling the taffy
    Pulling the weed
    Pulling the wire
    Pulling your goalie
    Pulling your love muscle
    Pulling your own leg
    Pulling your own weight
    Pulling your plonker
    Pulling your power cord
    Pulling your wire
    Pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap
    Pummel the love truncheon
    Pummeling the priest
    Pump the monkey
    Pump the python
    Pump the stump
    Pump your pickle
    Pumping cream
    Pumping for pleasure
    Pumping for power
    Pumping gas at the self-service island
    Pumping iron
    Pumping the electric goo gun
    Pumping the porpoise
    Pumping the python
    Pumping the soft soap dispenser
    Pumping the stump
    Punch the munchkin
    Punchin’ the clown
    Punchin’ the midget
    Punchin’ the Munchkin’
    Punching the possum
    Punching the stepson
    Punching your puppet
    Punching yourself in the crotch
    Punish Percy in your palm
    Punish the Harlequin
    Punish the penguin
    Punishing Percy
    Punishing the Bishop
    Punishing the Pope
    Puttin’ the tie on
    Putting A Little Mayo On the Knuckle Sandwich
    Putting the seminal luge team through their paces
    Putting your best foot forward
    Putting your foot down
    Putting your thumb in the porridge
    Qualifying in the testicular time trial
    Raining on your parade
    Raise the flag
    Raising Stonehenge
    Raising the flag pole
    Raising the mainsail
    Raising your sail
    Rake your meat
    Ram the ham
    Rapid delivery
    Rapid one arm pull-ups
    Raping your hand
    Ravage the innocent
    Read ‘em his rights
    Reading poetry
    Reenact Old Faithful
    Releasing the hostages
    Releasing the Olympic Doves
    Releasing the Special Edition
    Relieving tension
    Relishing your hot dog
    Reverse osmosis
    Rewinding your tape
    Ricky boxing
    Ride the great white knuckler
    Riding the five-legged pony
    Riding the lightning
    Ringing for the elevator
    Ringing the bell
    Rippin’ the rocket
    Rob the knob
    Rocket piloting
    Rockin’ the rhubarb
    Rockin’ the rooster
    Rolfing the piglet
    Roll your own
    Rollig the dice
    Rolling it off the lot
    Rolling the fleshy blunt
    Rolling your own
    Rolling your quarters
    Roman helmet rhumba
    Romancing the bone
    Romeo and himself
    Rootin’ for the Yankees
    Rope the goat
    Rope the pony
    Rope the Pope
    Ropin’ the long horn
    Rough up the suspect
    Roughing the passer
    Rounding up the tadpoles
    Rub off
    Rub one out
    Rub the pink eraser
    Rub the tub
    Rub the unicorn’s horn
    Rub your head
    Rubbing Buddha’s tummy
    Rubbing off
    Rubbing one out
    Rubbing Peter to pay Paula
    Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
    Rubbing the magic one-eyed wonder weasel
    Rubbing the pink eraser
    Rubbing the rod
    Rubbing the unicorn’s horn
    Ruminating and pondering
    Run off a batch
    Run off a batch by hand
    Runka
    Running in single-user mode
    Running off a batch by hand
    Running Peter through two-a-days
    Running the cheeta
    Running the whack-a-thon
    Sacrificing sperm to the god of lonely nights
    Safest sex
    Sailing the mayonnaise seas
    Sailors’ joy
    Salting your nuts in the shell
    Salute the sailor
    Saluting Der Fuhrer
    Saluting the general
    Sampling the secret sauce
    Sand wood
    Sanding the banister
    Sanding the obelisk
    Sanding wood
    Saying a private prayer in the Church of the First Holy Monkey
    Saying hello to Mr. Winkie
    Scalpin’ the injun
    Schnauzer Shuffleboard
    Schplitzing your schmeckel
    Scouring the tower of power
    Scraping the bottom of the barrel
    Scraping your carrot
    Scraping your horn
    Scratching the cat pole
    Scratching the itch
    Scratching Yoda behind the ears
    Screwing your courage to the sticking place
    Screwing your girlfriend Handgella
    Scromping the camper
    Seamen reporting for duty on the skin boat
    Seasoning your meat
    Secret handshake
    Seeding the carpet
    Self abuse
    Self catering
    Self love
    Self-induced penile regurgitation
    Self-love
    Semen Fire Drill
    Sending a boy to the Academy
    Sending out the troops
    Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram
    Serving Up the Baby Gravy
    Setting sail with Captain Thumb on the USS Hand
    Sewing the seed
    Sex with someone you really love
    Sex with your best friend
    Shag
    Shag off
    Shagging
    Shake the weasel
    Shakin’ hands with little Elvis
    Shakin’ hands with Little Richard
    Shakin’ hands with MrHappy
    Shakin’ hands with MrWinkie
    Shakin’ hands with the unemployed
    Shakin’ hands with Yule Brenner
    Shakin’ the snot off your frog
    Shakin’ your fist at the ex-girlfriend
    Shakin’ your hands at the sky
    Shakin’ your own maracas
    Shaking coconuts from the love tree
    Shaking hands with Abe Lincoln
    Shaking hands with Dr. Winky
    Shaking hands with Jack McNasty
    Shaking hands with Johnson
    Shaking hands with Mr. Happy
    Shaking Hands with Mr. President
    Shaking hands with Shorty
    Shaking hands with the boss
    Shaking hands with the general
    Shaking hands with the goblin of love
    Shaking hands with the Governor
    Shaking hands with the midget
    Shaking hands with the one-eyed trouser trout
    Shaking hands with the President
    Shaking hands with the unemployed
    Shaking hands with your John Thomas
    Shaking hands with your wife’s best friend
    Shaking hands with Yul Brenner
    Shaking the bottle
    Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk
    Shaking the dice
    Shaking the hand of the self-employed
    Shaking the sauce
    Shaking the sausage
    Shaking the snake
    Shaking the sugar tree
    Shaking the tree
    Shaking the white-out pen
    Sharpening your pencil
    Shavin’ the carrot
    Shellac the shillelagh
    Shemp the hog
    Shift gears
    Shifting to fifth gear with the pork spear
    Shine the barrel
    Shine the helmet
    Shine the hose
    Shine your dolphin
    Shine your pole
    Shining My Bedknob
    Shining the helmet
    Shining the pork sword
    Shining the shaft
    Shining the shank
    Shining your pole
    Shlackin’ the glacknoid
    Shoe shine
    Shoot for the moon
    Shoot putty at the moon
    Shoot your squirt
    Shoot your wak
    Shootin’ your splouge
    Shooting craps
    Shooting Cupid’s arrow
    Shooting enemies
    Shooting flies
    Shooting for the moon
    Shooting for the stars
    Shooting practice
    Shooting putty at the moon
    Shooting Sherman
    Shooting skeet (pull…shoot)
    Shooting tadpoles at the moon
    Shooting the bedroom gun
    Shooting the pump action porridge gun
    Shooting the shark
    Shooting the sherbert
    Shooting to score
    Shooting without scoring
    Shooting Womprats in Beggar’s Canyon
    Shooting your wad
    Shooting yourself in the foot
    Shower spank
    Shuck your corn
    Shucking Bubba
    Shucking the corn
    Shuffle the deck
    Sifting through the nest to find mama bird
    Simple infanticide
    Singing with Donny Osmond
    Single dingles
    Siphoning off the tank
    Sizing things up
    Skipping rope
    Slakin’ the bacon
    Slaking the bacon
    Slam the ham
    Slam the hammer
    Slam the salomi
    Slam the Spam
    Slammin’ the salmon
    Slamming the hammer
    Slamming the spam
    Slamming the sump-pump
    Slap boxing the one-eyed champ
    Slap high fives with Yul Brynner
    Slap it
    Slap my happy sacs
    Slap pappy
    Slap the carrot
    Slap the clown
    Slap the donkey
    Slap the purple-headed yogurt pistol
    Slap the salami
    Slap your head
    Slap-Boxing the One-Eyed Champ
    Slappin’ Pappy
    Slappin’ the Cap’n
    Slappin’ the purple-headed yogurt pistol
    Slapping high fives with Yul Brynner
    Slapping it
    Slapping Johnny on the back
    Slapping my happy sacks
    Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
    Slapping the carrot
    Slapping the clown
    Slapping the Cyclops
    Slapping the FleshGopher
    Slapping the Jawa
    Slapping the meat
    Slapping the pud
    Slapping the salami
    Slapping the salomi
    Slapping Uncle Willy
    Slapping your chub
    Slaying the beast
    Slaying the dragon
    Slaying the one-eyed monster
    Sleeping
    Slicking the stick
    Slimmer
    Sling some spooge
    Slinging the jelly
    Slog the log
    Sloppy Joe’s last stand
    Sloppy sign language
    Smack the salami
    Smackin’ Isaiah
    Smacking Bob around
    Smacking the monkey
    Smacking the oompa loompa
    Smacking the salami
    Smacking the sausage
    Smacking the snake
    Smacking the weasel
    Smacking the yak ’til it spits back
    Smacking your sister
    Smacking-off
    Smite the dragon
    Smiting the pink knight
    Smoking the bratworst
    Snap the carrot
    Snap the monkey
    Snap the radish
    Snap the rubber
    Snap the whip
    Snappin’ off a batch
    Snapping one off
    Snapping the carrot
    Snapping the monkey
    Snapping the radish
    Snapping the rubber
    Snapping the whip
    Snapping your carrot
    Snuggle the nozzle
    Soiling My Sock
    Soldier’s toy
    Solitary sin, The
    Solo flight
    Solo marathon
    Solo sex
    Solo spit
    Solo spurting
    Soup of the day
    Soviet U-boat Commander Jackoff Ruboneoff
    Spackling the Ceiling
    Spam Wham
    Spank Elvis
    Spank the bishop
    Spank the carrot
    Spank the frank
    Spank the hangdown
    Spank the monkey
    Spank the salami
    Spank the tank
    Spank your little boy
    Spanking Cheetah
    Spanking Elvis
    Spanking the bishop
    Spanking the frank
    Spanking the monkey
    Spanking the plank
    Spanking the rooster
    Spanking the salami
    Spanking the wank
    Spanking up a batch
    Speaking into the microphone
    Spear chucking
    Spearing the Spartans
    Spela fickpingis
    Spela skinntrombon
    Spending some quality time with yourself
    Spending your Christmas bonus
    Spermin’ Herman the one-eyed German
    Spewing your load
    Spilling my children on my belly
    Spinning the record
    Spit one off
    Spit the seeds
    Spit-polishing the purple helmet
    Spit-shine the purple helmet
    Spit-shining the boots
    Spitting up
    Splashing one out
    Spluging
    Sprayin’ the spectators
    Spreading some super life
    Spreading the mayo
    Sprinklin’ the lawn
    Spunking
    Spunking the Monk
    Spurtin’ Bert
    Squashing the sea monkey
    Squeeze the cheese
    Squeeze the cream from the flesh twinkie
    Squeeze the juice
    Squeeze the lemon
    Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube
    Squeeze your cheese-dog
    Squeezing the burrito
    Squeezing the Charmin
    squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
    Squeezing the Creamy Filter
    Squeezing the glue
    Squeezing the happy lumberjack
    Squeezing the juice
    Squeezing the lemon
    Squeezing the snake with the turtleneck sweater
    Squeezing the squid
    Squeezing the tube of toothpaste
    squeezing your cheese-dog
    Squirt one off
    Squirtin’ Burton
    squirting off your load in the school bathroom
    Squishing the fish
    Staff meeting
    Stall clapping
    Starting the day off right
    Stewing in your own juices
    Sticky McKnuckles One Man Jam
    Stinky pinky
    Stir the batter
    Stir the yogurt
    Stirring the soup
    Stirring the yogurt
    Stoking the fire
    Straddle your paddle
    Strain the main vein
    Strainin’ the main vein
    Straining your cabbage
    Strangle the dangle
    Strangling Kojak
    Strangling the hog
    Strangling the one-eyed trouser snake
    Strangling the Serpent
    Stress relief for a personal appendage
    Stretching the limo
    Stretching the truth
    Striking the pink match
    Striking your match
    Strip-mining with the spaghetti man
    Stripping the bark off your wood
    Stroke off
    Stroke the carrot
    Stroke the dog
    Stroke the goat
    Stroke the mole
    Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko
    Stroke the purple-nosed gusset ferret
    Stroke the satin-headed serpent
    Stroke the stallion
    Stroke the trumpet
    Stroke ’til you spew
    Stroke your ego
    Stroke your poke
    Stroke your poker
    Stroke your Twinkie
    Stroke your wookie
    Strokem your scrotum
    Strokin’
    Strokin’ the mule
    Strokin’ the sausage
    Stroking it
    Stroking off
    Stroking Steven
    Stroking the balony pony
    Stroking the lizard
    Stroking the mole
    Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
    Stroking the salami
    Stroking the satin-headed serpent
    Stroking the schlong
    Stroking the Scooby
    Stroking the snake
    Stroking the squirmin’ German
    Stroking the stallion
    Stroking the wiener
    Stroking your goat
    Stroking your poker
    Stroking your pud
    Stroking your twinkie
    Stromming the Thurmond
    Strummin’ my six inch
    Strumming the one-string harp
    Stuck in left field
    Studying for a math test
    Studying Talmudic Law
    Submitted by Jake W.
    Sucker-punching the blind webster
    Suffocate the organ
    Sump-Pumping the Dry Well
    Surfing on the Milky Highway
    Swickin’ it
    Swinging the jump rope
    Swinging the light saber
    Swinging the royal red reproduction rod
    Synchronizing with his PalmPilot
    Tadpole rodeo, The
    Taffy pulling contest
    Taffy tugger
    Tagging off
    Tajja
    Take a beating
    Take a load off your mind
    Take a ride on the mean spanking machine
    Take little Johnny dancing down at Knuckle Junction
    Take matters into your own hands
    Take ol’ stiff neck to the movies
    Take part in population control
    Take the fifth
    Take the monster for a one-armed ride
    Take yourself in hand
    Takin’ the bunt sign
    Taking a client up to the Yajima Factory
    Taking a core sample
    Taking a few practice shots
    Taking a five minute vacation south of the border
    Taking a load off
    Taking a nap
    Taking a shake break
    Taking a wrist shot on the five-hole
    Taking advantage of yourself
    Taking Captain Picard to Warp-Speed
    Taking care of business
    Taking control of yourself
    Taking Herman to the circus
    Taking little Elvis to Graceland
    Taking Little Johnny dancing down at Knuckle Junction
    Taking matters into your own hands
    Taking ol’ one eye through the fly
    Taking ol’ one eye to the Knuckle Shuffle
    Taking part in population control
    Taking some time off
    Taking the dog for a walk
    Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
    Taking the monster for a one-armed ride
    Taking the sperm whale for a walk
    Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
    Talking quietly to yourself
    Talking turkey
    Tame the bald headed mouse
    Tame the monster
    Tame the shrew
    Tame the wild hog
    Taming of the shrew, The
    Taming the shrew
    Taming the wild hog
    Tamping the Musket
    Tamping your tater
    Tapping the turkey
    Target practice
    Target practice with the yogurt gun
    Target practicing with white ammo
    Taunting the one-eyed weasel
    Teach your dog to spit
    Teach Yule Brenner some respect
    Teaching a one-eyed Chinaman how to dance
    Teaching him a lesson
    Teaching the Cyclops the lambada
    Teaching your kids to swim
    Tease the python
    Tease the weenie
    Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker
    Teasing the python
    Teasing the Viking
    Teasing the weasel
    Teasing the weenie
    Teeing off
    Tenderize the meat
    Tenderizing the tube steak
    Tenderizing your meat
    Tending to your own affairs
    Test the flashlight
    Test your batteries
    Test-fire the Death Star
    Test-firing the meat missle
    Testicular tensile strength test
    Testing my throat pic
    Testing the hand cream dispenser
    Testing the smoke alarm
    Testing the testicles
    Testing your batteries
    Tethering the blimp
    That crazy hand jive
    The art of Unisex
    The Colonel Sanders Heimleich Maneuver
    The erky jerk
    The five digit disco
    The five-finger hustle with Russel the one-eyed love muscle
    The Five-Knuckle Shuffle
    The five-knuckle shuffle on the old piss pipe
    The serta solo
    The sticky page rhumba
    The tube of cream
    Thrapping
    Thrash your thing
    Thrashing the weasel
    Threading a needle
    Throbbing the knob
    Thropping your marrow
    Throttle the bottle
    Throw off a catch
    Throw out
    Throw the ball around
    Throwin’ down
    Throwing
    Throwing a shower
    Throwing off a batch
    Throwing the hamster against the wall
    Throwing up mayo
    Throwing your hand on the bed and raping it
    Thump the pump
    Thump your thong
    Thumping the pump
    Thumping your pud
    Thwackin’ the sack
    Tickle the Elmo
    Tickle the ivory
    Tickle the pickle
    Tickle the taco
    Tickle your pickle
    Ticklewigglejigglepickle
    Tickling my fancy
    Tickling the dragon’s tail
    Tickling the ivory
    Tickling the one-eyed weasel
    Tickling the pickle
    Tickling the Polish salmon
    Tickling your Elmo
    Tinkering with the R2 unit
    Todd your wad
    Toasting My Marshmallow
    Tocar con mi pinga
    Toilet sailing
    Tonking
    Torkin’ the fork
    Torment the Trouser Trout
    Torqueing the turtle
    Torquing the wrench
    Torturing the tentacle
    Toss off
    Toss the boss
    Toss the midget
    Toss the snag
    Toss the turkey
    Toss the turkey
    Toss yogurt
    Tossing off
    Tossing the boss
    Tossing the ham javelin
    Tossing the salad
    Tossing the sauce
    Tossing the snag
    Tossing the spam javelin
    Tossing the turkey
    Tossing the white ball
    Tossing yogurt
    Touching the penis
    Touching Up the Ceramic
    Train the Love Porpoise
    Treating yourself right
    Trim your antlers
    Trim your horn
    Trolling for the one-eyed walleye
    Trolling for trouser trout
    Trouser snake CPR
    Trouser trout dancing lesson
    Trying to pull something off
    Tube sock tango
    Tug on the doug
    Tug of war with Cyclops
    Tug the slug
    Tuggin’ the timber
    Tugging Mount Love
    Tugging old beater
    Tugging the rope
    Tugging the slug
    Tugging the tapioca tube
    Tugging the tossle
    Tugging the tubesteak
    Tugging the turkey
    Tugging your tubesteak
    Tuning my horn
    Tuning the antenna
    Tuning the fork
    Tuning your organ
    Turn the knob
    Turning Japanese (UK – one step beyond wanking)
    Turning on your fire hose
    Tussle with your muscle
    Tussling the Muscle
    Twanging the wire
    Tweak your twiddle
    Tweaking your twinkie
    Tweek
    Twirl the squirrel
    Twist your crank
    Twist your turnip
    Twistin’ the Piston
    Twisting your crank
    Twisting your tool
    Typing with one hand
    Umroj
    Uncorking the bottle
    Uncorking the champagne
    Underarm javelin in the meat olympics
    Unleash the fury
    Unleashing the alabaster yak
    Unloading passengers from the five-car train
    Unloading the gun
    Unpacking the moving van
    Unsheathing the meatsaber
    Unsheathing the pork sword
    unwrapping the pepperoni
    Using the force on your meat saber
    Using the ol’ 1 wood
    Vaccinate the baby
    Varnish the flagpole
    Varnishing the banister
    Varnishing the cane
    Varnishing the flagpole
    Vibrating the viper and making him spit poison
    Violating the hedge-hog
    Virtual sex
    Visiting Old Faithful
    Visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters
    Visiting the five-fingered widow
    Visiting with Papa Smurf
    Voting For Perot
    Wack the weasel
    Wacking a lap
    Wacking off
    Wacking the one-eyed worm
    Wacking the paddle
    Wacking the weasel
    Wacking the weiner
    Wacking the willie
    Wagging the dog
    Wailing
    Wake the dead
    Wakey wakey hands off snakey
    Waking the dead
    Waking up your bro
    Waking Wee Willie Winkle
    Walk the dog
    Walk the plank
    Walking a mile in Mr. Wiggly’s shoes
    Walking old one-eye
    Walking the snake
    Walking Willie the one-eyed wonder worm
    Wallowing in self pity
    Wang whacking
    Wank
    Wank the crank
    Wank the Willy Wonka
    Wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel
    Wanking
    Wanking off
    Wanking one-eyed Willy
    Wanking the crank
    Wanking the one-eyed wonder worm
    Wanking the scube
    Wanking with the one-eyed wonder weasel
    Wank-o-rama
    Warming up the altar boy’s dinner
    Wash the meat
    Washing the elephant’s trunk
    Washing the goose’s neck
    Washing the hog
    Washing the meat
    Washing the wolverine
    Wasting babies
    Wasting your wad
    Watching the geyser
    Wave the wand
    Waving the Magic Wand
    Wax the board
    Wax the Buick
    Wax the candle stick
    Wax the carrot
    Wax the dolphin
    Wax the musket
    Wax the womb broom
    Wax your Jackson
    Wax your surfboard
    Wax your weasel
    Wax your Willy
    Waxin’ n’ Milkin’
    Waxing pedro
    Waxing the beanpole
    Waxing the car
    Waxing the flipper
    Waxing the old goal post
    Waxing the rocket
    Waxing your Jackson
    Waxing your surfboard
    Whack it
    Whack little Mac
    Whack off
    Whack on your back
    Whack the pud
    Whack the weasel
    Whack your Magic Johnson
    Whack your tack
    Whackin’ the weasel
    Whacking it
    Whacking off
    Whacking the axe
    Whacking the weed
    Whacking your tack
    Whapping your wang
    Whip off
    Whip the dummy
    Whip the one-eyed trouser snake
    Whip the one-eyed worm
    Whip the rat
    Whip the stiff
    Whip the wire
    Whip up some sour cream
    Whip your dripper
    Whippin’ the mule
    Whippin’ the whopper
    Whipping Dripping
    Whipping off
    Whipping skippy
    Whipping the balls
    Whipping the bishop
    Whipping the dummy
    Whipping the one-eyed trouser snake
    Whipping the one-eyed wonder weasel
    Whipping the pony
    Whipping the rat
    Whipping the stiff
    Whipping the walrus
    Whipping the window washer
    Whipping the wire
    Whipping up a batch
    Whipping up some sour cream
    Whipping Up Some Waffle Batter
    Whipping Willy the one-eyed wonder-worm
    Whipping your dripper
    Whipping your Skippy
    Whipping your Willy
    White water wristing
    Whitewashing
    Whitewashing with Huck and Tom
    White-water wristing
    Whittle the stick
    Whittling Dixie
    Whizzin’ jism
    Whizzin’ Jizz
    Whizzin’ Jizzum
    Wiggling your walrus
    Wiggling your worm
    Willy spitting
    Willy tickle
    Willy wanking
    Winding my watch
    Winding the Jack in the Box
    Winding the Wurlitzer
    Windsurf on Mount Baldy
    Wing it
    Wonk your conker
    Wonking your donk
    Work off
    Work one out
    Work things out
    Workin’ out a stiff joint
    Workin’ the Jerkin
    Working a cramp out of your muscle
    Working at your own speed
    Working late at the office
    Working overtime at the meat factory
    Working up a batch
    Working up a foamy lather
    Working without Annette
    Working your Willy
    Wrapping my hand around my cock and blowing a load all over my mother
    Wrestle the bald-headed champion
    Wrestle the dragon
    Wrestle the eel
    Wrestle with Cyclops
    Wrestling Jimmy
    Wrestling the alligator
    Wrestling the bald-headed champ
    Wrestling the bald-headed sumo
    Wrestling the eel
    Wrestling the gator
    Wrestling the one-eyed monster
    Wrestling the purple-headed warrior
    Wrestling with Jimmy
    Wrestling with the bald champ
    Wrestling with the one-eyed superhero
    Wrestling Yul Brenner
    Wring your thing
    Wringin’ out the tube steak
    Wringin’ the towel
    Wringing out your rope
    Wringing ’round the rosie
    Wrist aerobics
    Yahtzee
    Yang your wang
    Yank my doodle dandy
    Yank off
    Yank the plank
    Yank the shank
    Yank the yam
    Yank the yodel
    Yank the yo-yo
    Yank your crank
    Yank your plank
    Yank your strap
    Yank your wank
    Yank your yam
    Yankee your Wankee
    Yankin’ it
    Yankin’ your chain
    Yankin’ your Franklin
    Yanking off
    Yanking the crank
    Yanking the doodle
    Yanking the yoyo
    Yanking your chain
    Yanking your crank
    Yanking your plank
    Yanking your Yoda
    Yogurt slinging
    Yoinkin’ off
    Yuckin’ your choad
    Zipper Olympics
    Zoot Flute Riot
    Zygote spraying

  • andrea says:

    But which ones do you actually use?

  • bailz says:

    only about 80% of them ;)

  • andrea says:

    Too much time on your hands, bailz?

  • bailz says:

    hmmm … maybe :)

  • bailz says:

    nah, i have good soap.

  • neil says:

    Probably lots of other stuff on his hands too by the looks of things.

  • dammit_todd says:

    pumpin the purple pickle

  • thoroughly amused says:

    touching the tralala

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